9. Paddy, the Cockney, and the Ass (Roud 3078) Traditional

Pat Molloy was an Irish boy and he lived in County Clare.
He said he'd go to London to see what sights were there.
He'd often heard that London was a very pretty place,
"And, bedamn," says Pat, "I'll go and see if that be the case."
With me fol de diddle die doh, rye fol de day.

Now when Paddy went to London he was taken by surprise;
The sights of that grand city fairly dazzled Paddy's eyes.
One day he was going down the street, meditating to himself,
He met with a ragged Cockney and a donkey selling delft.
With me fol....

Now this damned old ragged Cockney would not let poor Paddy past.
He said, "Speak to your brother," and he pointed to the ass.
"I thought, m' man," says Paddy, "that I had no brother here."
But turning 'round he whispered something in the donkey's ear.

Now when Pat was speaking to the ass, now boys, what did he do?
He dropped a pebble in his ear, he did, bedamn, 'tis true.
That ass ran mad, upset the cart, broke all the earthenware;
And this damned old Cockney, he ran crazy, clean and clear.

Well, he called upon the Peelers for to take poor Pat in charge,
Saying, "Seize this Irish beggerman, he should not be at large."
"Begone, you English spalpeen," now, says Paddy with a smile.
"You took me for an ass because I came from Erin's Isle."

Well, to stand before the magistrate he had to appear next day,
And asked what all the crimes he'd done and what he had to say.
"Well, to tell the truth," says Paddy, "I'm accused of more than I did.
He said, 'Speak to your brother,' and I did as I was bid."

"That's nonsense," cried the magistrate, "you know that ass ran mad."
"Well, I do, indeed," says Paddy, "and I'm sorry, too, bedad."
"Be careful," cried the magistrate, "I want no nonsense here;
But come and tell me every word you whispered in his ear."

"Oh, that I will," says Paddy, "your request I'll not refuse.
You've often heard that donkeys are very fond of news.
I thought I'd say a word or two, the ass's heart to cheer.
And now I'll tell you every word I whispered in his ear."

"'They say that now in Ireland we have our wrongs redressed,
That all noble-hearted Irishmen no longer are oppressed.
We've got rid of all the landlords, Ireland to ourselves we have.'
And when this donkey heard the news, by heavens, he went mad!"

Well, the magistrate from laughing he had to grip his head,
When he looked at poor old Paddy and thought of what he'd said.
And turning 'round to Paddy, saying, "A clever boy you are.
And for your clever answer, I dismiss you from the bar."
With me fol de diddle die doh, rye fol de day.